Sunday, June 20, 2010

Due Date

Six years ago today was Emily's due date. In the past, I've just kind of moped around all day on this anniversary. But in trying to live the serenity prayer, this year I'm not doing that. I'm going to plant some flowers, clean house, and otherwise keep busy. No moping for me this year. God give me the courage to change the things I can.

Friday, June 18, 2010


I have had to repeat the serenity prayer to myself several times today. Every time I see a mother at the park with her child, especially her daughter, I find myself wishing that were Emily and I. I know she is much happier where she is today than she would be if she were here with me. And I know that someday we will be reunited. The journey between here and there has been six and a half years now. Emily would turn six this week if she had lived and I had carried her to term. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Hurting and Healing

I know this is a process. It's a very hard process right now. Even though I've been hurting and healing for six and a half years, I still dream about what might have been. I dream about good things that could have happened as well as bad things that could have happened. Last night I had a dream that my uncle was holding this sweet little six year old who looked amazingly like me, but with reddish-blond hair, on his lap. My uncle died a few weeks ago, so I know he's in heaven with Emily and probably is holding her on his lap right now.